Toddler Rules

There is a sheet of rules that are handed out to kids when they turn two or in my case when they turn one n half. This list is only given to toddlers and under no circumstances may an adult come in possession of it. We have received a stolen copy of this list; many people were traumatized by spaghetti to the face and ketchup on the new white carpet to be able to bring you this list of toddler rules. This post will self-delete once you finish reading it.

Toddler Rules of Possession

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If it's mine, it must NEVER appear to be yours in anyway.

6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks just like mine, it is mine.

8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically
becomes mine.

10. If it's broken, it's yours.

Toddler Rules of Everyday Life

• If it is on, I must turn it off.
• If it is off, I must turn it on.
• If it is folded, I must unfold it.
• If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled. If it a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared.
• If it is high, it must be reached.
• If it is shelved, it must be unshelved.
• If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed.
• If it has leaves, they must be picked.
• If it is plugged, it must be unplugged.
• If it is not trash, it must be thrown away. If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on the floor.
• If it is closed, it must be opened. If it does not open, it must be screamed at. If it has drawers, they must be rifled.
• If it is a pencil, it must write on the refrigerator, monitor, or table.
• If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied. If it is empty, it will be more interesting full. If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon.
• If it is stroller, it must under no circumstances be ridden in without protest. It must be pushed by me instead.
• If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon.
• If Mommy’s (or daddy’s) hands are full, I must be carried.
• If Mommy (or daddy) is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone.
• If it is paper, it must be torn.
• If it has buttons, they must be pressed.
• If the volume is low, it must go high. If it is toilet paper, it must be unrolled on the floor. If it is a drawer, it must be pulled upon.
• If it is a toothbrush, it must be inserted into my mouth. If it has a faucet, it must be turned on at full force.
• If it is a phone, I must talk to it.
• If it is a bug, it must be swallowed. If it doesn’t stay on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor. If it is not food, it must be tasted. If it is dry, it must be made wet with drool, milk, or toilet water.
• If it is a car seat, it must be protested with arched back.
• If it is Mommy, it must be hugged. I am toddler!